yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the day after is always just damage control
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
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