so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
