peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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