I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
