We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just cut my nipple shaving
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
