At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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