Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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