please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
