if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
