tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
