are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
