I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
