i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
