Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
