if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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