So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
