you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
