Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
