I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
grandma shit on top of the toilet
two words: eviction party
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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