I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
