No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
