i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
