I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I deserve this hangover.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
