I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
