Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
