remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
