got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He has the fingertips of a God
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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