Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
