here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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