I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
