My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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