I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
