There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
