You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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