WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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