I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
