i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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