You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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