i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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