I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
