woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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