It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
