i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
