he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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