Betty ford says i'm here all night
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
