Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
