Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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