I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
