i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
