This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
