The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
