I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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