In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
