i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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