So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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