My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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