am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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