smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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