I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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