3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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